


Never-Letting-Go

by misato



Category: Free!
Genre: Childhood Friends, Crushes, Fluff and Angst, Growing Up, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-08-19 11:20:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16533620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misato/pseuds/misato
Summary: “Oh,” Rin said. “Like a crush?”“Yeah. What does it feel like?”“Warm,” Rin said, thinking of bright afternoons and fluffy-clouded skies, tentative hands brushing together, the smell of chlorine-soaked hair drying in the sun. “It’s, uh, warm. And weird. And you want to hug them and never let go.”





	Never-Letting-Go

The tire swing broke the year Rin kissed Haruka for the first time.

Maybe Rin had grown too heavy for the bowline knotted rope swing that his mother had tied proudly to the tree in the backyard. Her smooth fingers had worked deftly at the knot, echoing the skill of the rough fisherman hands of his late father. She boasted that it would never snap, never, not even when Rin was all big and strong. 

Still a scrawny kid, Rin clutched the rope with two hands, legs snaked around the faded rubber of the tire. His head tilted skyward, dark eyes searching for animals in the clouds. He and the other neighborhood kids made a game of that sometimes.

“That one’s a worm,” Haru would say, pointing at a long wisp of a cloud.

“Cheating,” Rin would argue back. “Do a better one.”

Haru would scowl and squint at the blue and white sky, attempting to mold something in the nothingness.

“It’s a giraffe,” he’d finally say, his revelation bursting out like an a-ha of sorts, the cloud in question oblong and lumpy, and they’d laugh until their lungs ached for air.

That night Haru was busy with some homework assignment -- Rin had offered to help, but Haru had refused in that tired voice of his. So he had relented.

Rin sighed. The clouds looked like clouds.

The streetlamps murmured their goodnights to no one as the sun began setting.

Gou called him to dinner -- this was before the days of swapping Ks for Gs -- and Rin let himself topple gently onto the grass, stared at the bugs that called the roots of the trees home, eating their ways into the wood. Then he got up and went inside.

“Haru called while you were out playing,” his mother said, and Rin jumped up from the table.

“Can I--?”

“Eat first,” she said.

He wolfed down dinner, chopsticks clicking down in record time as he dashed for the phone, fingers dialing Haru’s number automatically. He pressed the receiver to his ear and listened to the ringing pulse, a greeting singing on his tongue.

“Hello?” Haru’s voice said, scratchy and familiar through the phone.

“Haru, it’s me,” Rin chirped.

“I know.”

“What’s up?”

“Want to go to the lake?”

“It’s too dark to swim,” Rin said. “You’ll drown one day, Haru.”

The words lingered heavy on his tongue, and he wished he could snatch them back before they whispered through the telephone wires.

“Not to swim,” Haru said. “I just wanted to see you.”

Suddenly Rin worried that his heartbeat was audible through the phone. 

“Ah, okay. I’ll meet you there soon.”

“Okay,” Haru said, and then there was the harsh click of him hanging up the phone.

He almost never remembered to say goodbye.

***

Rin’s feet pounded against the sidewalk as he jogged. It was a warm spring evening and the sun was barely winking through the clouds. He was clutching a flashlight in his small hand, and the light bobbed against the pavement. 

Haruka’s small figure was huddled on the bench near the lake. He seemed to be staring at the water, which rippled almost-black in the dim light.

“Haru!” Rin said, and the other boy didn’t move.

He slowed his pace as his feet sunk into the mud of the lakeside.

“Hey, is something wrong?” he asked.

He plunked down on the bench, one hand finding its way on Haru’s shoulder and squeezing lightly.

“No,” Haru said. 

“You sure?”

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

His words were short and clipped as usual, but his eyes held something fearful in their depths.

“Haru, c’mon.”

“What does it mean to like someone?” he said, the sentence flooding out quickly and all at once so that the syllables ran together.

“Oh,” Rin said. “Like a crush?”

“Yeah. What does it feel like?”

“Warm,” Rin said, thinking of bright afternoons and fluffy-clouded skies, tentative hands brushing together, the smell of chlorine-soaked hair drying in the sun. “It’s, uh, warm. And weird. And you want to hug them and never let go.”

He let his hand fall from the other boy’s shoulder.

Haru nodded.

“What about kissing?”

And if he didn’t have such a vulnerable look on his face, Rin might have laughed.

“Kissing a girl?”

Haru paused, then shook his head.

“It has to be a girl?” he asked.

“No!” Rin said quickly, and Haru startled like a deer. He softened his voice. “No. It doesn’t have to be a girl.”

“Oh. Good. It’s not.”

Rin felt something twisting thorn-like in his abdomen.

“Who is it?”

Haru gave him the name of a boy in their swimming class. 

Rin’s heart sunk like a plastic ring to the bottom of a pool.

“Ah, he’s cute,” he made himself say.

“Am I cute?” Haru said worriedly, and Rin snorted.

“Haru!”

“Don’t make fun of me.”

“Of course you’re cute, Haru,” Rin said, breathless from laughter. His chest ached. “It’s getting really dark. I’ll walk you home.”

“Thanks.”

The walk back was mostly silent but for the sound of their sneakers against the pavement.

“Thanks for talking to me,” Haru said, after they had reached his house.

Rin smiled.

“Sure. That’s what friends are for, right?”

“Yeah. You’re a good friend, Rin.”

Haru looked soft and sad under the porch light.

Rin’s heart was tearing its way out of his chest as he leaned in and pressed a kiss to the boy’s cheek.

“Rin,” Haru said gently, like his name alone was already an apology. “I--”

“Good night,” Rin said quickly, and raced off into the street.

He didn’t stop running until he got home. He was too afraid to look back.

***

The next morning there was no school and Rin pretended to be sick so he could miss swim practice.

Haru called the house twice and left two very polite messages that Rin listened to over and over again once his mother left to go grocery shopping. If Gou noticed, she said nothing.

The rope on the tire swing snapped in half when Rin put his weight on it and he couldn’t find any band-aids in the house so he was stuck pressing wads of toilet paper to his scraped knee and flipping through TV channels. There was nothing good on.

Dinner was quiet and Rin faked another stomach ache so that he could go to sleep early.

The phone rang again and his mother’s voice floated down the hallway.

“Ah, sorry, he’s asleep. I’ll tell him to call back tomorrow.”

Rin was curled in a ball of sheets and prayed that tomorrow would never, ever come.

***

Tomorrow came, and Haruka and Rin were still friends, but not in the same way. 

They found passion in swimming and not much else anymore. Still, the way Haru looked at him after a race made his heart pound. And while the other boys talked about cute girls and their older brothers’ magazines and things Rin wouldn’t dare repeat at home, he and Haru always stood to the side awkwardly, making uncomfortable eye contact. Those were the moments where he thought about their conversation at the lake.

_ “It has to be a girl?” _

The words lingered on Rin’s tongue -- he sort of wondered if the other boys in his class had ever thought about kissing another boy, but he kept his mouth shut. He wished he still could talk to Haru about that stuff, but it was impossible to bring that up without bringing up the kiss.

He wondered if Haruka missed him. He remembered the way the other boy would end phone calls -- the muffled click without a goodbye.

Kiss. Click. Dead air.

The boy who Haru had confessed to liking ended up quitting swimming for the basketball team, and not long after that Rin went quietly to Australia.

***

When Rin came back he started swimming like he’d gotten himself into a fist-fight with the water, and Haruka wondered if he’d ever be able to relax like he used to. There was no calmness in his muscles, no joy in his voice. Only anger. Rage. It seeped into the pool like blood.

Rin always watched him move through the water like his eyes were set on God. There was love pulsing behind the acidity of his gaze, but Haru pretended not to notice it, for his own good.

There was something between them that felt like wildfire, and he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to control himself if he caught aflame.

***

Rin kissed Haruka for the second time at a party that he wished he hadn’t been invited to.

The smoke from the blunt tasted bitter on his tongue and he couldn’t think straight, let alone act that way.

Haru was sober, sipping a red Solo cup of iced water on the ratty couch, and Rin slid next to him, limbs loose and hands tangling in the other boy’s hair.

“What’s up, Nanase?” Rin said in English. “I missed you.”

Rin leaned in for a kiss, his lips dry and tentative, and Haru turned his face so that Rin barely brushed the corner of his mouth.

“Sorry,” Rin said. 

“It’s okay,” Haru said, and downed the rest of his water before disappearing into another part of the house.

***

First place melted on his tongue faster than it should have.

_ What are we?  _

He was afraid to ask.

***

“Friends again?” Rin said, frowning slightly.

He was scowlier than he used to be.

It was after everything had gone south and then gone north again, and he was still wary of anything that made him feel vulnerable.

“Yeah,” Haru said. “I’ll buy you dinner.”

“Okay,” Rin sighed. “You pick. Nothing fishy.”

Dinner turned out to be greasy fries and milkshakes.

“For a swimmer, you eat like shit,” Rin said, snapping the lid off his shake and dunking a fry inside.

They were sitting in one of the restaurant’s brightly colored plastic booths.

“Not true,” Haru complained. “I eat mackerel.”

“Seven days a week,” Rin snorted. “Sometimes for breakfast.”

“You’ve got chocolate on your nose,” Haru said flatly.

“Ah, do I?” Rin said. 

He swiped the side of his nose with his thumb. Haru laughed.

“No, there,” he said, reaching out with a napkin and dabbing the tip of Rin’s nose.

Rin laughed, his smile glinting in the fast food fluorescents.

“You’re cute, Haru.”

Haru stared. Then he looked down.

“Don’t say it if you don’t mean it,” he said, mostly to the floor.

“I mean it. Of course I mean it, Haru, what kind of question--?”

“You’re confusing.”

“Me?!”

“Yes,” Haru said. “Don’t act like you’re in love with me if you’re not in love with me.”

“Do you really think I’m not--?” Rin asked.

“We’re closing in a few minutes,” the lady behind the counter informed them.

Rin sighed. He crumpled his empty fry container in his fist.

“Friends, huh?” he said. “C’mon, Nanase. I’ll walk you home.”

He kept his word.

Haru was silent until they reached his place.

“I’m sorry,” he said, fumbling for his keys.

“Nah,” Rin said. “Don’t be, man, it’s not a big deal.”

“I love you,” Haru said. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“I think I love you too.”

Haru unlocked the door. His eyes were a little bit red. He swiped the wetness away with the back of his hand.

“Call me when you  _ know  _ you do, okay?”

Rin nodded. 

Then the door was shut and Rin watched the lights in the house flicker on and listened for the sound of the bathwater running and tried very hard not to think about Haruka crying.

He thought about the clouds and the lake and the party and then he pulled out his cell phone. He took a deep breath and pressed the call button.

“Hello?” 

Haru’s voice was tired and choked from tears.

“I know  _ now _ , Haru,” Rin said. “I know I love you.”

There was a sound that could’ve been a sob or a laugh.

“Are you still outside?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll be right there.”

Haru opened the door in only a dripping swimsuit and Rin would’ve made a joke about it if he didn’t look so damn beautiful.

“Come in,” he said.

Rin kicked off his shoes and trailed after Haru through the house. His swimsuit was soaked.

“Were you in the bath?” he asked.

“Yeah. Helps me relax.” His voice was flat.

“Haru, look.” Rin said. “Look at me.”

Haru did. His eyes were bluer than the sky, rimmed red from crying.

“I love you,” he said. “I have since we were kids.”

“I did too. I do.” Rin fumbled with his words. “I love you.”

“Remember when you kissed me? After the thing at the lake?” Haru swallowed. “I wanted to tell you then. I was lying about that kid in our class. I wanted to kiss you too, Rin. I wanted---”

“Can I kiss you? Now?”

He nodded.

Haru’s lips were cloud-soft and shaped like joy.

Rin shuddered and kissed him, again and again, until they were both breathless.

***

The year Rin and Haru got married was one of milkshake dates and uncountable amounts of kisses, of imagination-shaped skies and fish for breakfast. Of warmth. Of weirdness. Of never-letting-go. Of love.

**Author's Note:**

> i love these two so much. kudos and comments are what i live for. :)


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